1. My metabolism is not only dead it’s now my mortal enemy.
I’ve dieted my whole life. I know every trick In the book. Once you cross that number all bets are off. There are no tricks unless they involve anesthesia and an overnight stay in the hospital.
2. My neck is MIA.
My neck is gone. And I think it took my chin with it as well. Where I used to have definition between my chin and neck I now have one long blob. I can only see distinction between the two when my hormones really kick in and I get a giant pubescent pimple with a welcome sign on my long lost chin.
3. Changing of hair
This could be the most disturbing. I have been blessed with long thick hair my entire life. Last month when I was getting my hair cut my hairdresser asked me if I had a thyroid problem because my hair had “changed “. Needless to say I spent the better part of the month undergoing extensive blood tests only to determine I’m getting old and my hair is changing. I have to remember to tip her for that little trip down anxiety lane.
4. My loss of patience
Never a strongpoint even on a good day. However, With my hormones in a total state of chaos I’m perpetually annoyed by people. How more murders aren’t committed by hormonal women is really remarkable. The president may want to consider putting together a small army of menopausal women, pretty sure we would have ISIS on their heels.
5. My ability to cry
I cry at everything. Commercials, graduations, soccer tryouts, driver permit tests. You name it and I’m a sobbing mess. Last week my husband said something nice and I hid and cried. He already thinks I’m one arm away from a straight jacket why add fuel to the fire.
6. My appetite
I’m hungry … All the time … And I don’t mean” oh let’s have an apple ” hungry I’m sour cream and onion dip with ruffles hungry. And thinking about that makes me want to cry because I realize I don’t think my kids have ever had onion dip. Which I think is a right of passage into adulthood that I’ve withheld from them.
7. Everyone is old
I know the alternative is worse so I get it. It’s just so damn depressing to realize if we are getting older then where does that leave my old crushes and heartthrobs? Apparently with bad Botox and in rehab (see David Cassidy )
8. I can’t see/hear
I don’t know if it is a result of my kids burying their heads in their phones and me having to repeat the same question over and over but it seems as if teenagers are speaking at levels only dogs can hear. They have the Netflix turned up so high in one room while literally watching something else on their computer in the same room you would have to be the Bionic woman to hear anything. Reading “the fine print” is out of the question without a magnifying glass and a jewelers loop. So now I’m no longer able to hear without the volume being at full blast or see without using the flashlight on my phone .. I’ve officially become my mother
9. Random hot flashes
This is no joke. This winter was one if the coldest in history yet I was like an Ez Bake oven, Literally. The thing with a hot flash that no one tells you is that they sneak up on you and you have no idea it’s happening. One minute your standing in your kitchen watching the Real Housewives of anywhere and the next thing you know you are standing in a pool of your own sweat while putting your head in the freezer.
10. Body changes
All I can say is this. Remember when you were pregnant and your hips suddenly expanded overnight? Welcome to peri menopause. One day you are a solid size 4 ok 6 then you wake up and while you fit in your jeans, your hips won’t cooperate. If they ever stop putting stretch in jeans I swear there will be an uprising with women screaming from their cars “spandex matters”.
I know there are many more symptoms, this was the tip of the iceberg. The lack of sleep, anxiety, the list is endless. The thing is getting old sucks. No doubt about it. And the world is cruel to the elderly…Just look at Hollywood . Celebrities are so scared of aging they maim themselves in their quest to remain youthful looking. Change is hard even on a good day but what this represents is so much deeper … It’s a secret club no one wants to be a part of and no one wants to admit their in. The alternative is, There is no alternative. So I’m trying to embrace it. I told my husband last night I’m embracing my new curves . I’m such a psychotic lunatic at this point anything I say he smiles and nods. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m one step away from smothering him in his sleep if he looks at me the wrong way. Which is entirely possible if he looks at me during a hot flash.
