I am a runner…

I am a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, bitch (depending who you ask) but first and foremost I am a runner. 1992 NYC… I am 23 years old, kind of lost in my job, lost in a lifeless relationship and hopeless what the direction of my life was going to be. I was doing what every other single New Yorker was doing, going to the gym and running on the treadmill, running to nowhere. I happen to notice the man next to me wearing a race t-shirt so I asked him about it.

The flood gates opened, he told me about the New York Road Runners Club. How every weekend you can sign up for a race with other crazy New Yorkers who just enjoy the passion of running. The camaraderie you will feel will be like no other. His passion for the club and running was infectious so I decided, why not .

This was long before the Internet became what it is, I actually had to go to the NYRRC and join in person. I know, who can relate to that idea?

I made that trek in 1993 and In 1994 I ran my first marathon. That was 19 years ag . I have run 5 marathons, countless half marathons and road races and several triathlons.

I have run through rain, snow, hail and sleet. I have run through terrorist attacks and their horrendous aftermath. I have run through break ups, make ups, marriage and divorce (not my own btw). I have run through illness, family drama, life and death. Through every major event in my life or someone close to me, I have run. Running is the one consistent thing in my life that I know I can always count on. Running gives back to me much more than I can ever give to it. Unless you are a runner, you can’t even begin to understand that last statement. Running has given me friends and relationships that I otherwise would not have had.

Only another runner could understand when you say you HAVE to get up in 0 degree weather to do a training run at 4:30 in the morning. Others may say, “You don’t have to, you choose to “. But you see yes, we do because we are runners. Running is in our blood and our DNA, there are very few things that can stop a runner in their tracks, other than a fallen runner. I’ve run countless races where a runner has gone down, always and I mean always do I see others stop running and help their fallen friend. Pr be damned.

We all run for different reasons. Some run to lose weight, some run for charities, and some run for clarity. It doesn’t matter why it just matters that we do it.

On The day of the Boston Marathon, it was a perfect running day, much like that fateful day of September 11. Who knew that such a joyous event would forever be marred by the movements of madmen. As the events of the day unfolded, the whole world watched in horror. I felt like I was punched in the stomach. As a runner I was invested in the marathon because I knew the significance of Boston. I had never run it, but as a runner it was on my bucket list. All those running that day had given up family time, sleep, alcohol,countless things. Some traveled thousands of miles just to say they have now joined a club only a small percentage of people can say they are members of, having run a marathon.

The horrors of that day are still unfolding. We saw humanity at it’s worst but also at its best. But that is what running does, it unites and brings people together on a playing field that is leveled. As I listened and watched on TV and the Internet I waited, I knew the running community would not allow the act of a cruel sick individual deter who we are. We are runners, in the face of adversity we do what we know. We lace up our shoes, do whatever pre-run ritual we have and we go.

I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow with all of this, I can’t even say in one hour what will be. What I do know is this :

There will always be haters. There will always be heartbreak , sickness and tragedy. But there will also always be goodness, sunshine and hope. I choose to be on the side of goodness. Therefore I will do what I always do.  I too will lace up and go for a run. I will proudly go to the start and hopefully cross that finish line in many more races .. Whether there are 10 runners or 10,00. I will not be deterred in fulfilling a dream due to fear, that’s what evil wants .

I will do this because its who I am.

I am a runner.

My what a long strange trip it’s been. Those words were the beginning of my commencement speech from high school , June 1985. I don’t remember anything else that our class president had to say after that . More so because I had made the brilliant decision to smoke a joint with my best friend on the way to graduation . This was more funny because she and I were not the kind to show up high for graduation , or pretty much anything . If you based your opinion on stereotypes all I can say is , she was in the marching band and on the tennis team , I was captain of the cheerleaders. I’m pretty sure if you surveyed any seniors who knew us and asked if we would be the ones who showed up high on graduation day they would say you were high . Get my point ? I do remember we pulled up and got out of the car and she left the keys In the ignition and the car was running , that may have been the highlight of my graduation day btw.

I’m pretty sure that day our class president talked about our paths in life and how we were about to embark on the best journey yet .. Blah blah blah . Most of his speech came from Grateful Dead quotes ( not a bad thing ) but I know they touched on how now we can make all our dreams happen, the world was ours .

So as I sit here waiting for my daughter to come out of high school I can’t help but look around at the other parents waiting with me . I go back and forth : I watch the seniors get in their cars, all young with good hair . They are so hopeful and optimistic , then I look over at my peers , sitting in their minivans , playing candy crush and I wonder where the hell did our lives detour so dramatically that somewhere along the way dreams became a pair of comfy shoes and sweatpants .

I pride myself on looking pretty good ( I said pretty good as in for me , let me qualify ) . However last Friday I didn’t feel well. I let my hair dry naturally ( I have Jersey Girl hair , big and curly )and put on sweats . My darling husband came home and said what the hell happened to you ? Your hair is from the 80’s and your not wearing sweatpants that fit .. Wtf.. My knee jerk reaction was to point out his shortcomings …  . Instead I kept it to myself.  Telling him his flaws doesn’t help , his ego is the size of Canada and me making fun of him only fuels the fire thus leading him to wear sleeveless shirts and clothes with teams on it . Instead I asked myself , what did happen ? How did I end up in sweatpants and bad hair . So I looked back in the archives of my life to get these answers and truthfully I had no answers . Instead I found myself compiling a list of things all young twenty something’s should do to try to avoid ending up looking like Medusa in bat mitzvah sweats .

When I was in college you didn’t get your hair done unless you were going to a wedding or a funeral , today it’s like brushing your teeth . Your young , you have disposable income . Treat yourself because $30 today is nothing . In 20 years when your kid wants $200 sneakers $30blow outs become a luxury

Go for it . Again $25 a week to spend on yourself to make you feel better .. Again in 20 years you will be wearing ugg boots never letting your toes see the light of day because between blow outs and no mani pedi you just saved $55.

Now I’m serious . A girl gets to wear a glass slipper only so often . Buy the expensive shoe now . You can always sell them later . Louboutins hold their value , their like fine wine and I promise you when your living in the suburbs and you realize you can buy a chair or a pair of shoes you’ll be kicking yourself in your ugly 9west knock offs that you didn’t splurge when you had no kids and actually worked for money.

Go . See the world or don’t but remember… one day black out fares , babysitters , dog sitters and schedules will rule your life and a 10,000 vacation is out of the question because you have camp . You will be sorry you never did that club med with your old college roommate because club med at 50 is just creepy and your club med is now a stay cation.

ok not promoting being a slut , we have Disney channel for that . I’m kidding . I just mean kiss a boy and enjoy it , play your fantasy out in your head . I love my husband but we have been together almost 20 years … I wish I could bottle the first 9 months we were together . Pure joy . I got sad being with him just knowing I wouldn’t see him the next morning if he wasn’t staying over , corny but true . Those first months are fantasy , enjoy them reality is also great but let’s face it fantasy can be pretty fucking awesome

I mean this with every fiber of my being . Put the phone down , please . Stop looking at Facebook or Instagram . Enjoy the moment with your friends because time is fast and furious and in the blink of an eye 20 years has gone by and you haven’t seen your best friend for 10 years . Make the memories about being in the actual moment don’t document every fucking second for the world . Laugh together , have experiences together , this will be the basis for your friendship down the road when your going through death and divorce . Not to get dark but life kicks you in the ass and it’s these friends who will be there for you. Friendships with a history tell more stories with a glance or look . these are the people who love you because of your flaws not in spite of them

Make big ones , fuck up . Go big or go home . This is it this is when it’s your chance to experience everything , and you should . Now is the time to screw up , this way when you have kids their only partially screwed up

Really . Take every opportunity given . Skydive , go to Africa ( ok well maybe not Africa political unrest can be dicey ) . I think what I’m trying to say is say YES and I CAN . and if you can’t , then say you’ll try . If you don’t try in your twenties you’ll never do it. Just do it … Whatever IT is ..once you have kids saying I can gets a lot harder unless it’s driving to the mall

I know this sounds weird but I feel like everyone is very serious today if I had known in my early twenties what I know today I would have laughed my ass off every day . I had no kids or husband to worry about wtf was I so consumed with .

I know everyone puts this on their list but it is true . In the blink of an eye I was 40 now I’m almost 50 ( sort of , not really .. but kind of ) I never knew how much I missed certain people in my life until they were gone . You don’t get do overs in life and just telling someone how you feel about them can be a game changer.

Really the list is about not having regrets . I have no regrets about anything I did in my earlier years ( this does not include people I may have done …haha)

I think I did everything on that list . Which could be how I ended up in ugly sweatpants And with bad hair . But I also ended up with a pretty cool life so I guess at the end of the day wearing my ugly sweats is worth it and I would do it tomorrow and probably will. So if you see me on the pick up line at school In an old sweatshirt and my hair all messed up , don’t judge me . Behind the wheel could be a skydiving lunatic who scaled mount Kilimanjaro …all while wearing louboutins.

1. I have run 5 marathons…

2. I hate olives

3. I won the contest in 8th grade for conjugating a verb the fastest …

4. My best friend is my neighbor who moved next door to me in 1972

5. I still speak to my camp friends, whom I met when I was 7

6. My favorite food is mashed potatoes so much, that my husband proposed to me with my
engagement ring in them

7. I can open a locked door with a credit card

8. I knew on my first date with my husband that I was going to marry him

9. I was captain of the cheerleading squad in high school

10. I can play 2 songs on the piano ..heart and soul and a song from the musical Oliver

11. I haven’t slept through the night since we got my dog, 6 years ago

12. I was an extra in a television commercial

13. I went to a sleep away camp run by the Boston Celtics

14. I hate clowns

15. I know the words to the entire Born to Run album

16. I am terrified of heights but skydiving is the #1 thing on my bucket list

17. I am  a private person

18. I had to get a restraining order against an ex-boyfriend when I was 25 years old

19. I believe in ghosts

20. I’m extremely claustrophobic

21. I don’t believe in chance encounters

22. When I was in high school I worked in a drug store, ice cream shop and clothing store

23. I love movies although, I have never seen ET

24. I was kicked out of sleep-away camp when I was 13

25. I have run on every vacation I have ever taken, including Israel where the signs were in Arabic saying “turn around”

I have had a crush on Scott Baio since 1974. No lie, not even Joanie loves Chachi could deter me. The first time I laid eyes on him with Jodi Foster in the movie Foxes I was hooked. I followed him through happy days right up until Charge in Charge. As I got older he aged but really really well so I always felt that somehow we caught up. I did not even fall off the wagon when I found out he was dating his younger, much younger…okay creepily borderline, disgusting, much younger, cast mate. I persevered and kept my crush right where it belonged, with me in secret. I don’t think it’s any coincidence my husband is a brash New Yorker with a very thick Queens accent (ok Scott was from Brooklyn but to a girl from New Jersey it’s all the same. Now I can pick out a Borough after 2 words!) I am sure somewhere down in my subconscious the first time he spoke to me I was hearing my childhood crush speak to me. Believe it or not they were so similar, and even though this was 1995, they seemed to almost dress the same. (Clearly looking back on this that should have been my red flag for his propensity to dress as if its still the 80’s.) So once I met my husband I was hooked …minus the red bandana on the leg.  Lo and behold a few years ago VH1 was running a reality show starring none other than my true love, Scott Baio. My husband and I settled in to watch. Of course I made him watch with me…he needed to see my muse!

As we started watching I started to get really uncomfortable and depressed. The premise was that Scott had not really matured and was trying to find “the One” for him. To do this he basically needed to go back to everyone he had dated or screwed or who the hell knows….by the end of the first episode I was repulsed . He had slept with so many women. he discarded them like empty water bottles. And these women were mostly 10’s. Im serious. I was watching this show in disbelief. These women were all drop dead gorgeous. In my fantasies I didn’t even look that good. Seriously this man is like a god…women literally seemed to fall at his feet. However he was flawed;really really flawed. I mean monumentally. Like…so flawed his good looks and boyish charm were so lost in his immaturity, that I was waiting for him to light a fart on fire!

I could not begin to tell you how depressing this was to me. I had spent years pining away at the fantasy of Scott Baio. In my mind he was far more mature and emotionally evolved than the overgrown frat boy I was watching on tv. How to move past this? How do you reconcile your fantasies with your reality?

What do you do when the image you have created in your head is exceeding the real one that stands before you? I suppose we have all experienced some sort of this disappointment at one point or another.  Who does not fantasize about running into an ex boyfriend/girlfriend when you look your best? I know in my mind I have toned arms, taught belly and am tan.  In reality it has been when it’s dead of winter, I am in the midst of a “fat stage” and I am about 3 weeks overdue for color. NO this was not how my fantasy was supposed to go. How am I supposed to make his wife seethe with jealousy and him rue the day he let me go if I look like a mad housewife minus the minivan?

I suppose it’s how we handle these reality checks rather than the reality check itself that shows us what kind of person we are or aspire to be. I bring this up because I actually had an encounter the other day with someone in my mind who was much nicer, prettier and overall a better person than I thought they were. In this business of blogging you really are privy to people’s worlds. In 1978, I had no lens into Scott Baio’s world other than Tiger beat and Teen Beat. There was no Tmz or Perez Hilton. If I found something out about him it was only through his publicist. He was untouchable and the fantasy of Scott was pretty damn good I may add. If it were today I could get google alerts letting me know every time his name was in a news column. I could follow his Twitter or find him on Facebook. There would be no fantasizing because short of me eating dinner at his dining room table I could be with him. Oh look, Scott is getting a car wash, he is at the supermarket… oh look he’s getting a parking ticket. Thanks but I’ll take the fantasy over the reality. I do not need to know he cries at night or just wants to be in a committed relationship.

But, I digress. My encounter. I met up with a blogger. Someone I follow quasi regularly. This person puts her self out there as a “regular “ person…someone who can relate to the masses and frankly sometimes i disagree but I do read her and sometimes really like what she puts out there. Now, I have never fantasized about meeting her and having some deep conversation with her but I did have a certain sense of respect for her based on her writing and things she has put out there about herself. Bullshit. It was all bullshit. I met her and recognized her from the photos on her blog. I did not blurt out “Hey! Are you so and so?” not for any other reason other than I did not want to seem like a single white female. The creepy factor was a little high for me. So I kept quiet about my secret of knowing her, however I tried to make small talk considering we were both at a dog babysitting place. She wasn’t taking the bait, in fact she was almost condescending.

I cannot tell you how I felt when she walked out. I wanted to run to her blog and call her out. Let her 5,000 followers know she is a fraud and fake. Hey friend of the everyday man where were you today when I tried to say hello? Now, I am sure if I recognized her in front of everyone in the store her attitude would have been different..I am sure she would have been more than gracious to take accolades for her work. Speaking of, when I got home I went right on her blog to review what I ever saw in this person and you know what? The signs were there. I just chose to ignore them.  She blogs about herself and her fabulousness mostly. Her fabulous life and all who are in it. So really, when I saw her she probably just thought I was not as fabulous as she is. Fair enough. You can take a pig out of the trough and dress it up but its still a pig right? In all fairness I should have not been as let down as I felt considering I had built this person up in my mind to be nicer and more welcoming than she was.  Nowhere on her blog does she profess to be nice and friendly.  I just assumed it because I felt like I knew her from reading what she puts out there….not necessarily making it true.  It just means it’s out there.

My lesson in all of this is that fantasies sometimes are better left where they originated, in your head. This is why I do not even play the fantasy game with my husband. A- I really do not want to know his wildest fantasy.  If i’m not it, don’t bother telling me..it will lead to nowhere good and he cannot win. I’m not telling him mine because I am pretty sure he is not growing any taller any time soon and I have no idea where to find a United States Marine uniform to rent but thats a different conversation. The whole idea of a fantasy is to keep it in your head make it yours, let your crush be larger than life, let your ex pine away for you, let your favorite blogger become your best friend; whatever works. Just remember when your fantasy and reality eventually meet you know, worlds collide..you can handle it!

What do I do? I just make my husband put that red bandana on his leg and talk to me. I close my eyes and I’m the weight it says on my drivers license. Fantasies, remember? For the record….Scott Baio is still my guy!