My daughter and her boyfriend broke up today. They’re 16. At 16 a break up is pretty dramatic and life altering, like when the Wifi goes out or your contacts get deleted from your phone. I tried to help out as much as I could but I found myself relying on her best friend more than my own experiences. I am 48 and 16 was a long time ago. When I was 16 and heartbroken I would put Air Supply on my record player, blast it as loud as I could and cry on my bed. Come to think of it when my boyfriend dumped me at 27 I did the same thing. Things are so different today. My daughter was on social media immediately and was seemingly fine. Which got me thinking…how things have changed since we were dumped or doing the dumping in the 80’s.
1.SOCIAL MEDIA
Considering there was no social media the closest I can compare it to is writing a note about your ex. Gone are the days of passing notes or even doodling. They changed the notebooks so you can’t even doodle your name dreamily in class as Mrs. whoever. The notebooks are plastic, they don’t even bend. Right after my daughter and her boyfriend broke up she was face timing and getting snap chats. There were a few tears but trust me when I tell you she had all bases covered. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat they were all updated immediately. Luckily her status never changed on FB while they were together because changing that back from “in a relationship” to “single” would have caused a code red security level.
2. MUSIC
Music was the backbone of my existence growing up. I could not wait until the latest album came out. Most of my childhood experiences can be defined by a song. I would sit on my bedroom floor and memorize all the words to my favorite songs, if I was luckily enough to have an album with the words included on the sleeve. Nursing a breakup (I’m embarrassed to admit this) I cannot tell you how many times I listened to Wilson Philips in the fall of 1991. I put it in my walkman and would listen to it for hours. I don’t even know if my daughter listened to music. I think she may have googled something on youtube and listened for 30 seconds.. moving on. I just have to reiterate. I would lay on my bed..with a hairbrush and belt out through my tears singing Barry Manilow and Barbra Streisand. Again, 2016 a minute of a youtube video and thats that.
3.FOOD
Lets be honest, Junk food in the 80’s is not junk food of today. In fact junk food is the Al Qaeda of food. I am tired of looking at FB posts of Health coaches, healthy snacks and healthy exercise. Sometimes you need some Twizzlers just to get you through. I spent many a break up sitting with a container of Haagen Dazs ice cream, Doritos and Tasty-cakes. There is no problem that a Devil Dog or Coffee Cake Jr cannot solve. So naturally yesterday after the break up I suggested we eat the most Fattening thing I could muster up in snowstorm of the century. I had cookie mix, nachos, french fries, bagels.. all ready at the helm.She asked for a low fat brownie mix and some cantaloupe. WHAAT?? No wonder she is depressed…It is not her lack of boyfriend,it is the fact that she cannot even allow herself to eat some comfort food. Who could ever get over a break up eating cantaloupe? There is no way this is my daughter. I somehow convinced her to eat some blue corn tortilla chips, I think I heard a small sigh come out of her as she was dipping them in the guacamole, mission accomplished.
4. STALKING
Let me clarify. This was before Stalking was listed as a medical diagnosis or a defense in a court of law. Stalking back in my day was not true stalking. A drive by was not considered stalking, a drive by was a right of passage . How else could you know if your ex was nursing his wounds or partying his ass off. I spent many a Saturday night with friends driving around looking for ex boyfriends. We would drive to neighboring towns, down the shore…no place was out of reach. There was no caller ID so we would have friends call the house just to see if they were home, going as far as hanging up when they got on the phone. I do believe all these nights led to my uncanny ability to navigate google like Sergei Brin himself. I am pretty sure had the government hired a bunch of middle aged mothers, Bin Laden could have been found within hours. Unfortunately my kids will not have the same experience. Because of social media within seconds of the breakup they are still seeing each other and know where the other is at every waking moment. Part of the beauty of a break up is that you actually don’t have to see the person if you don’t want to. The idea of possibly running into each other at a party or club made the notion of actually going to those events more enticing. The not knowing and the possibility made it more exciting. Now because of social media there is no mystery. Chances are she would know where he is at any given time and vice versa. My daughter needed to NOT see what her ex was doing she needed at least 24 hours to disconnect and not hear from him. However if my daughter wanted to see what her ex was doing all she needed to do was look at her phone. What fun is that? How will she be able to look back on a break up in 10-15 years and laugh about it when it will consist of looking at her phone?
I know times change, I am trying to change with them but at the same time I am trying to make sure my daughter does not miss out. All my breakups made me stronger and I laugh when I think back to them. As heartbreaking as they were…and they were…trust me. I literally spent my summer at 27 years old laying on the lounge chair at my mother’s pool openly crying while listening to my walkman.There were many senior citizens very worried that the young woman at the pool was having some kind of break down and I was bringing them down. I can look back and laugh at my behavior and know it helped me to find my husband, so I would never have to go through that again. I can only go on my own experiences and hope she applies what I have taught her to get through each milestone. Maybe she and her friends are better off not wallowing in self pity like we did. Even as I write that last sentence I know it’s not true. Each heartache made me a stronger and more empathetic person. Not that my daughter and her friends are not strong or empathetic, I would like to believe they are. I truly believe when my daughter’s friend’s phones die, she feels for them! In the meantime in honor of my daughter’s break up, I am going to put on some Barry Manilow and show her how empowering singing into a hairbrush can be.
