If you see something, say something. Do we not hear this every day? Is this not the mantra the Federal Government has been cramming down our throats since September 11? So when it’s time to say something, what would you do? Do you say something and risk being labeled a racist, a bigot or even worse an unhinged housewife? Or do you sit there and do nothing even though in your heart you know you should and in your deranged mind you know if you don’t no one is safe from your unbridled anxiety that is about to be unleashed.
My family went on vacation in December. We were going to an island in the Caribbean. I was a nervous wreck about the flight, and I am evolved enough to realize I am not always rational. I was trying to be calm and pretend that I was fine but my family saw right through that. That is probably why my husband did not blink an eye when I spent more than $85 on bad magazines and gum in the airport newsstand.
Once we were on the plane I felt more at ease and started to calm down. That was a momentary blip. My family was seated across the aisle from each other, two and two. Aisle middle, aisle middle. This was a great set up,until a morbidly obese man came down the aisle looking to squeeze into the window seat next to my daughter in my husband’s row. The man started yelling at his wife about wrong seat assignments and panic set in. I could see his discomfort and embarrassment. There was nowhere for this man to go, let alone squeeze himself behind a row of seats and fold his body into the window seat. He politely asked my husband to switch seats. Adam could sit by the window and this man could have the aisle. Since the option of purchasing another seat was off the table(the flight was full) this was the best way to go. I watched in absolute horror as Adam replied “I would rather not.” I repeat, to the morbidly obese man who could not squeeze into his seat and would most definitely have a heart attack if he tried my husband replied “I would rather not.”
To help save face, I would take one for the team. This is what marriage is about right? So, I gave Adam my aisle seat, the man took the other aisle and I sat in the middle with my daughter at the window seat. Of course the whole time I am thinking,” If the plane goes down will they be able to identify me because I am not sitting in the correct seat” like I said, not rational. Meanwhile, “I would rather not” has become the running joke of my house since this episode.
All was good, I did a mitzvah, we were going to be ok. Until a young fella looking like the unibomber came down the aisle.
This is when the adage started running through my head. If you see something, say something. Was this something? A middle eastern man, young, twenty something with a beard and mustache who was wearing a hoodie (with the hood up btw) looking very shifty walked to the back of the plane and went immediately into the bathroom. Ok. I was going to remain calm. I was over reacting maybe he didn’t go into the bathroom. Nope. He was in the bathroom.
I tried giving Adam the stink eye, motioning my head in the direction of the bathroom. No dice. He thought I was trying to tell him to stare at the poor guy squeezed into the seat next to me. I kept checking, the kid still was not out of the bathroom. I finally had to text him to tell him what I was thinking. So Adam looks at me and mouths “what do you want me to do” then went back to reading the NY Post. Are you freaking kidding me? Clearly I was on my own here. That kid was in the bathroom for a good 10 minutes and I know because I timed him. When he came out of the bathroom he took his seat, in the LAST SEAT IN THE PLANE!! OMG this is like terrorism 101. What more proof did I need?? I could not take it. I was in a full sweat. Again I am repeating the mantra in my head. “If you see something, say something” but what am I seeing? What am I going to say? I felt like unless you actually see someone planting a bomb or stabbing someone you don’t say something.
Screw it, I got up. I made the poor man next me shimmy out of his seat so I could go scope out the situation in the back of the plane. Nancy Drew I’m not but I have watched enough episodes of Law and Order to be able to figure something out. As I walked by his row I tried to glance over to him without making eye contact, I didn’t want to give anything away but I noticed he did not have a carry on bag. Really dude no carry on? This was getting worse by the minute as was my creeping anxiety attack. I approached the Flight Attendant and gingerly tried to say I am having a small issue I ned to talk to her about. I was talking low and she could not hear me so I had to raise my voice to say “There is a passenger on this plane making me uncomfortable” that was pretty politically correct right? That was too vague I had to be more specific. More specific? Okay, there is a guy who looks like one of the 9/11 bombers on this plane and he locked himself in the bathroom for 10 minutes and now he is sitting in the last row, probably waiting to meet his virgins, is that specific enough for you?
At this point I may or may not have started to cry a little. I am not proud but hey, it’s 6:30 in the morning I just got out of a seat that is basically a sardine can and there may or may not be a potential terrorist on the plane, there is no reasoning with me.
The flight attendant tried to explain to me it’s very hard to get a bomb on the plane, that they really catch everything while going through security. She then went on to tell me he was probably just masturbating in the bathroom because that is what many people do before the flight takes off. I’m sorry what? This theory actually made me speechless. This is what many people do before a flight? Was this some new relaxation technique I have not heard about? Is this like the dark web? Go to the bathroom and jerk off before the flight and you will be calm? This seemed like a far fetched theory but I was pretty desperate so I smiled and said “Yeah, ok” she looked at me sympathetically and said “are you going to be ok? You are having a thing right?” Yes I am having a thing, Im a middle aged woman scared shitless of flying and you just told me the potential terrorist was probably jerking off into his hoodie in the bathroom. I feel much calmer now, thanks.
So I did what any reasonable person who was having a full blown meltdown would do. I went into that bathroom and tore the fucker apart looking for a bomb. I spent another 10 minutes in there taking things off the walls, looking under the sink and the toilet. I left no space unturned. When I walked out of there I felt reassured that had my masturbating bomber left something in that bathroom I would have found it. I also felt like I needed a shower and a valium but thats another story.
When I got back to my seat my daughter suspiciously looked at me and asked me where I went. She knew I was up to something. Maybe I gave it away when I said “ok we are all good I swept the bathroom there is nothing there.” She just looked at me and shook here head.
The rest of the flight was uneventful. Needless to say I am fine and our plane was fine. The masturbator got off the plane and we all survived. I am not embarrassed my little meltdown and I’m not embarrassed that I tore a bathroom apart looking for a bomb. I am embarrassed that my husband would not switch seats with someone who needed it more than he did. Even though I know my husband hates flying as much as I do and it was his own fear that prevented him from doing so.
I never claimed to have it all together. I actually claim the opposite, I know I was unhinged and irrational that day. I am almost 50 years old, I have earned every anxiety attack that I have. No-one was injured, no ones feelings were hurt, the only person who knew I was losing my crap was my family and the lovely flight attendant. I do have to say that felt a little bad ass tearing things off the walls of that tin can of a bathroom. I know I did my civic duty that day. I saw something, I said something. Even if my saying something was in the form of a housewife who had gone off the rails.
Fucking hysterical. LOVE ur posts.