The idea for this blog was born out of the notion that I am reaching a milestone birthday and have not actually done all the things I had hoped to do. One of the things that I have yet to do is blog on a regular basis. Or on any basis. In my mind, I have written a bunch of blog posts but in reality, none have materialized, sort of like the fake weight on my driver’s license. After reading many self-help books and books on procrastination, ok and some smutty books I have come to the realization that I have no reason other than fear. Fear of failure, fear of criticism, fear of fear, fear, fear, fear. Fear can be crippling. I have a friend who used to never drive on highways or even take an elevator all because of her fear. I lived in my apartment in NYC for 12 years and she would not come up because I lived on the 18th floor. She is now medicated, happy as a clam and driving all over the place while aimlessly taking the elevator. I never realized my fear was stopping me until I realized I was watching reruns of Catfish and Dr. Phil. That was a pretty low point. Especially when I decided that I could actually do the job Neve was doing and I figured out who the catfishers were before Neve did.
When I was younger and single I was pretty fearless. I was definitely someone who took chances and didn’t think much of it. Clearly looking at past fashion choices you don’t have to be blind to see I was a risk taker. So in honor of turning 50, I am really going to start taking risks until the big day. I am not necessarily going to be jumping out of a plane (although I may) it will be baby steps. When I had the idea for this blog, I originally thought it would be funny and snarky (pretty much like me) but life has taken some unexpected turns. I don’t always feel so funny or snarky, ok I always feel snarky. Maybe it’s the things I have experienced this year, maybe it’s turning 50, maybe it’s having my first born get ready to leave for college, maybe it’s all of the above, but I am not feeling funny. I am feeling old and nostalgic. Truthfully, I think I have watched too many episodes of This is Us because I have Cat Stevens running through my brain and I am now watching old episodes of The Magic Garden, trying to remember my childhood without sobbing.
I have 6 months until the big FIVE O and I am really going to try to make this blog part of the countdown to 50. I will really try to engage and just write, make some memories and live in the moment like all the FB posts on positivity say to do. I am starting to compile a list of things I would like to accomplish before that day. A mini bucket list.
For my first leap, I signed up to run a half marathon in March. I have run countless races in the past but that’s exactly when I was in shape for them, in the past. I have been sidelined with hip issues for the last 2 years so I am totally out of shape. Add some extra pounds and my impending entry into old age and a half marathon seems pretty like a lofty goal. I will try to chronicle my training so I have to be accountable but my ability to evade accountability is like my teenagers. I don’t know if I should be embarrassed or proud.
After that I am open to suggestions. I am way too comfortable in my life right now, but I am also very neurotic so anything that could possibly end in my death may not be a great suggestion.
